We shout crucify…

Reading the passion

You realize

We continue to fashion

Ways to crucify

Jesus

Over and over again

In our history there

Isn’t one point when

We stopped hurting

The poorest among we,

We elect power grabbing

Leaders who continue

To hurt thee,

Jesus

In children with poisonous water

Chemicals, bombs, refusal

To feed and serve those we deem

Do not deserve

We kill you again and again

Oh God

We never stop our

Evil actions

Oppressing black family

Drawing factions

Stealing and poisoning land

Belonging to first nations

We let money drive us

Greed rule us

Satan enters us

We kiss our Lord with worship

And tonight he breathes no more…

Just Words…

If those were just words

How can we trust you?

At any point you’ll just jerk the rug…

I have to assume

if those were just words

You don’t mean anything

You’ve said at all…

Including

I’m Sorry

I’m not proud

There are bigger issues…

What bigger issue could there be

for HALF of the world

than personal safety

from Underlings like you?

An outrage – I’m angry

But I was before

When you said that to immigrants

You’d leave SHUT the door.

I’m tired of your words

Because who knows which ones count.

Energy wasted on you’s an affront.

To my life, to my faith – to my dignity.

Justice belongs to every race, creed and gender identity.

And you can bet that I won’t be quiet that you won’t get a vote

from me..

Tired.

I am unbelievably tired

of how horrible this is.

This debate, this election,

this modern day shiz.

I know it’s important,

I know that it matters –

But we’re SO caught up

in lunatic chatters

We can’t seem to remember

there’s good in this world

That God is our hope

and people not all squirrels.

We are all beloved…even the jerks.

This political system, there’s change in the works.

Go on raise your voices

Speak out against wrong

But have love for the other one

you disagreed with so long.

It’s going to be fine – we’ll all be ok.

Because in the grand scheme of history, this year’s but a day.

Not a woman…

Guess I’m not a woman.

It’s not news to me.

When I try to fit in the box

I bust out you see.

I never worried about all the rules

but I learned I was wrong early in school.

TOO LOUD

TOO WILD

TOO OPINIONATED

my manners

my dress

were always abated

The feminist ideal must have gone away

because it feels I’m alone in my quasi-masculine way

 

So sure I was girls could do what they wanted

now I spend my time arguing not all women are daunted

 

I’m not a woman
don’t want to be man
Just being me the best that I can

To hard to argue not all are the same
So don’t call me a gender, just call me by name.

 

 

© Stefanie K Fauth, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stefanie Fauth with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

You mad?

Feels like I’m drowning

whenever you’re mad

I gasp and I struggle

to make you feel glad

Don’t know why my world stops

you’re allowed your feelings

but soon as your temper pops

my heart goes reeling

You won’t let me fix it

I feel crushed under emotional water

I can’t swim out of it

if I try too much, your anger grows hotter

 

Says more about me than it does about you

I can’t fix your feelings, so what should I do?

 

Why does deep love

come with so much pain

feeling with my heart

instead of using my brain

Must learn to let go

of what I can’t control

and hope you forgive me

and peace finds my soul.

 

© Stefanie K Fauth, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Stefanie Fauth with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Tattoo anxiety…

Just when I think I’ve done all the therapy I need to “fix” the anxiety that ails me – I’ll have another bout that makes me feel oh so delightfully hopeless.

This time, there were life factors that contributed – my husband has recently taken a job that has him traveling Monday through Thursday of every week – and since he used to be the stay at home parent to our two boys – it has been a difficult adjustment.

Of course, work is stressful at times, and that can contribute to any symptoms I feel – but what set me over the edge was a new tattoo.

I had wanted it for years – a tattoo on my forearm that said “Saint” when looked at one way, and “Sinner” when looked at the other way.

It looked good, I was happy with the art – but the tattoo shop had a “demonic” bathroom and played that special inward-singing heavy metal that scares me – and I was on edge the entire time it was being done.

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It wasn’t my first tattoo – not even my second – but it was my first visible tattoo – and it was BIG.

And as soon as it was done, I had what those in the business call “tattoo regret”.

All I could do was fixate on it – how clearly I’m not a person who is able to be trusted with decisions, and I should be locked up for fear of harming myself and others.

I cried hysterically for several days off and on – much to the perplexity of my husband – who was confused by my reaction.  He loved the tattoo, and I had wanted it for years.

I continued to be a wreck about it for at least a week.  It felt like people started to look at me like a side show – “tell me about your tattoo” – which was genuine interest – and most people loved it, but when I was feeling like such a wreck, it was hard to be excited and talk all about it.

I heard it was normal to have a big reaction to a highly visible tattoo – but I felt like anything but normal when I was so stressed I wanted to rip it off my arm…

It’s been a few weeks now – and my anxiety has once again become it’s normal, manageable level – but it was a harsh reminder that I’ll never be done with these panic attacks.  No matter how much therapy and breakthroughs, there will always be life happening, and as long as life happens, there will be times of anxiety.

I’m taking solace in the fact that I know what to do to help myself – and I know how to climb out of that black hole that my mind digs for itself.  For me, it’s talk therapy, a steady dose of anti-anxiety meds, and a support system of family and loved ones who are willing to be with me when all I can do is cry.

I’m hopeful if you suffer from anxiety that you are able to find a way to cope -because in those moments it’s at its worst, it’s hard to remember that there is life beyond this time, but there will be.  No matter what, it can and will get better.

For me – the tattoo may get removed, but I no longer freak out when I look at it.  If I do remove it, I promise to keep you posted!

Anxiety – what if?

What if someone doesn’t like what I’ve done?

What if I’m not perfect?

What if I try this and fail?

 

It’s thoughts like these that can keep me up at night.  What if I could just let go of my anxiety, wouldn’t life be grand?

But I am afraid these thoughts have plagued a good part of my youth…

Thanks to therapy, I’ve mostly gone through these thoughts fairly quickly – I’ve grown to accept the idea that nothing will change the past, and the choices made, even if they weren’t the best, have shaped who I am – and who I am is actually pretty cool.

This has taken a lot of therapy.

And the what ifs of the future – they still get me.

What if my sons aren’t able to care for themselves when they get older?

What if they find life mates I don’t get along with?

What if they don’t want to spend as much time with me as I do with them?

What if I lose one of them or my spouse?

And to all these thoughts, all I can say is they are an argument to live fully presently.

Live with my family as they are now – enjoy them, even when they drive me crazy – and appreciate all the times we have.

And, as my daily life is to teal with my clinical anxiety and depression – those what if’s will always be around.  But, so long as I continue to work through them and maintain therapy, I’m hopeful they will not cripple me as they once did!

Up all night…with anxiety

Anxiety posting continues…

Last night, I had such a hard time falling asleep.

I couldn’t quiet down my brain.

I was so tired I could hardly move or talk…

And yet, my brain refused to quiet.

I was running all the comments on Facebook – had I offended someone?  If I had, did I need to worry about it – or was it their problem?

That conversation I had with a coworker today – did they know I was kidding?

The class of 9th graders I lead – did I do a good job, or did I really miss the mark?

 

The answer I would give to any other is – “It’s totally their problem, yes they knew you were kidding, and of course you did a good job.  Try not to stress!”

 

And yet, for myself, I could not offer these kind words.  At least not in the moment.

After getting some rest, I am able to find peace.  Some exercise has helped – and reaching out to friends has offered more comfort than I can ever be able to thank them for sufficiently.

Anxiety will not have the last word.  Stefanie will.  Even if she continues to struggle with Anxiety until she’s old and feeble – Stefanie will have the last word.  (With the help of God, of course!)

Thoughts on Anxiety…

anxiety-talk-bigstI’ve decided to blog my struggle with anxiety and depression.

Because too often, I feel alone…and if I do, I’m sure others do.

We are NOT alone.

And it CAN get better – connecting with others is one way to do it!

My anxious thought for today:

Why is it that I can think any hateful thing said about another person is something that should not define them – but when I hear hurtful things, I feel very much defined by them?  If the same thing was said in the same circumstances to someone else, my reaction would be reassurance, messages of peace and love.  For myself, I go immediately to anxiety – what I have done to deserve whatever words have hurt me.

I not only wish I could be stronger for myself, I happen to judge myself for my inability to let things roll off me.  A thing I will need to work on.  With prayer, with journaling, with a professional therapist.  I will always be insecure and sensitive, my work will be to love myself through it.

Does this resonate?  What is your anxious thought for today?  How are you helping yourself cope?

Healing Process

Last year, I went from having chronic neck pain, to having neck pain and a numb hand – being told all different manner of things were wrong, then I went to those things PLUS shoulder pain, ending with removal of a herniated disc between C5 and C6, and all the things that go along with that healing.

Doctor's Office Illustrations...

Doctor’s Office Illustrations…

Looking back, almost a year later, I have a “top ten” of what I WISH I had known about chronic pain and healing from surgery.

10.  Pain is not always located in the source (i.e. numb hand caused by neck issue)

Try not to resist when the doctors look in other places for causes.

9.  MRI’s are terrifying.  Your fat may jiggle, it’s freaking noisy, claustrophobia-inducing

– it’s all good, and over quickly enough to let you relax…

8.  It’s important to get rest.

But don’t rest too much – get up and move, even if you’re achy – you’ll kick yourself for not moving enough later.

7.  You will have ALL the emotions.  Do your best to communicate to others that you’re healing, and it heightens  everything – good people won’t care, and people who care will at least leave you alone.10420098_10100396581635186_7304592368400618984_n

6.  Ask for further clarification.

Often.

I heard things that were so often corrected later that would have saved me a lot of trouble…

5.  Pain meds are delightful – but doctors are not careful about how much they give you.

You may have an addictive chemistry.

Quitting these drugs may make you nuts.  (Shaky, sweaty, paranoid.)

Doctors may or may not understand/be able to support.

Try not to take any more than you need – ask for help if this is a concern.

DO NOT feel too embarrassed to get help.

4.  You will take longer to heal than you’d like.

I’m sorry – I can’t think of anyone that doesn’t wish they could be done healing just a little bit sooner.

Even once you are “healed” there will be latent pain – achey-ness that is normal – it will get better, keep moving!

3.  If your procedure requires you to wear some sort of equipment to support the injured area, i.e. a neck brace, you will have to worry about explaining it.  To everyone.  Strangers in the McDonald’s drive thru, people in the store, everyone where you work – you will be completely unable to escape your surgery if you are out in public.

Hard to be inconspicuous in that thing...

Hard to be inconspicuous in that thing…

I think they mean well, but I must say it was infuriating at points…

2.  Find a doctor you can trust.  This person will be responsible for how your healing goes!

(I happened to have one fall into my lap and found out after surgery he was THE BEST I could have possibly had…should probably have done research before, I lucked out!)

1.  Some people will fall out of the woodwork to help.

Others might need to be asked – they don’t want to bother you.

Remember that no matter how people act, they care.

Some people worry about being in your hair, some can’t seem to leave you alone – nobody’s perfect.

It’s hard to find forgiveness when YOU are the patient, but do your best.

All this to say, you will heal.  There may always be a hint of your surgery – a scar, other treatment, other equipment – but in the end, this is a step towards fixing something that wasn’t working in your body – and I’m grateful there was that help!

And in my case, I’ll treasure the scar, and the awesome hardware in my neck – I feel tough, and will set off old fashioned metal detectors EVERYWHERE I go, like a really tough person…because without them, I’d not be able to use my dominant hand, and be in pain on a regular basis – not a great way to feel.

Check out that hardware!

Check out that hardware!